Grief. . . This is definitely not something that most people want to talk about. I know it’s not something that I readily want to discuss. I really don’t want to lose any of you. I am so very grateful for each and every one of you who follow and are a part of this family and community. With that said, I always want to be honest with you and authentic, as friends should be . . . Therefore, I think I’m ready to share. Dealing with Grief is unfortunately a part of life. And in my opinion, it’s one of the very worst things that we go through.
The two year anniversary of my younger brother, John, passing is next week. With that date approaching, every ounce of the raw emotions have been rushing back with such clarity and intensity.
Many are familiar with the 5 Stages of Grief first introduced by Swiss-American psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book On Death and Dying. Over the years many experts have referred to them as symptoms rather than stages as they are overall and general timelines that many progress through following the loss of a loved one. The stages, or symptoms, are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
Let’s be plain and honest. For one going through this, I’m not sure it matters what “symptoms” you’re going through at any moment or if you can even truly figure that out at all. Grief is different from moment to moment. It’s an overwhelming tornado of emotions that savagely pound at the very core of who you are, leaving you completely broken and breathless. Then, in another moment you feel as if you can handle it because you push the pain down and know somewhere inside that you need to muster up enough energy to move forward. As quick as that feeling appears, it can be broken down with a simple reminder that you will never see that person again, never hear their voice again, never hold their hand again… Stages?
I feel I go through all 5 “stages” each and every day. I still in my heart cannot believe my baby brother is gone. And yes, it will be 2 years. Some people may find that outlandish. It’s been TWO years, shouldn’t she be past this? Maybe I should. Maybe it IS outlandish. It doesn’t matter what others think; it’s the truth for me! In my heart, I keep asking myself, “How can I ever move past all of this?” He’s my brother. We were SO close growing up, all the way through college. It was so touching to see how many people cared for my brother and how many people came to his memorial. The memorial to so many was a closing of a chapter, a door closed. To the family, to his closest friends, that hurt and loss still cuts deep and is a daily choke.
Grief. To those who know exactly what I’m talking about, I am so sorry for the loss you’ve felt. To those who understand this hurt, unfortunately, this is all normal. The hurt, the loss, the confusion. . . it’s all going to be there, perhaps for a very long time. People say that, “it will get better”. “The hurt will lessen over time.” And perhaps that is true. I know for me, there are a few things that truly help. . .
I keep in mind that my brother would absolutely hate to see me hurting. He would want me to love life and love the people in my life. My husband said it beautifully the other night, “I like to think that he is here. He’s here checking in and watching over you. He wouldn’t want to see you hurting. He’d want to see you having fun and loving life. You know that would really make him happy.” Live the life that he cannot.
I love having pictures of my brother around me. I love seeing things I know that he would love. I love experiencing things I know that he would enjoy! It makes me feel closer to him. And the real kicker. . . my son. My son looks so much like him. He is even such a punk sometimes and I think, “you are so your uncle!” He’s always getting into mischief with a little twinkle in his eye. He LOVES to climb and has definitely given me a few extra grey hairs! And then, he gives the best hugs and I know. . . he’s definitely got his uncle watching over him.
As I type this I have tears in my eyes. But they are happy tears. I’m sad because I miss him so very much. And in the same breath, I’m happy because I have so many happy memories to hold dear.
Grief never really goes away. But we can choose to let it consume us and knock us down. Or, we can live life the way they would want us to. Let the guilt fall. And hold onto the happiness and love. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to laugh. It’s okay to feel the way you feel right now. Know that you’re not alone. We have someone very special watching over us. AND you have us. Right here, right now, you have a life to live.
I would love to hear from you below. What memories help you get through the day?
XOXO,
Classy Mama Bear
In loving memory of my brother John.
